(Cheney as Inquisitor General of Education, Part 1 of this parody, here)
New Inquisitor General of Education, Dick Cheney, just released a list of Enhanced Educational Tactics (EETs) to be used in schools across the country beginning this fall.
In a shocking display of transparency, IG Cheney, revealed his 4 part attack plan for improving our nation’s schools.
- Elite teams of trainers (agents from secret CIA extradition sites and recently unemployed Blackwater contractors) will be deployed to every district in the nation to prepare teachers and administrators for employing EETs to maximum effect. This phase of the plan is being called “Shock ‘Em All,” in reference to the controversial shock treatment educators and admin will undergo as part of their brainwashing training.
- Using advanced surveillance technology, analysts within the IG’s secret undisclosed location (known as Underground Cheney) will closely monitor teachers and administrators utilizing the new methods.
- Students will demonstrate proficiency of new superior performance standards on rigorous “Comprehensive Rendition Assessment Platforms” (or CRAP).
- Mastery of the 3 R’s (Reading, ‘Riting, & ‘Rithmetic) will prevail.
In order to accomplish this mission, educators will utilize 6 Tactics from the EETs attack plan. In order to succeed, students must endure and master themselves through the trials and tribulations of these enhanced teaching strategies.
Top 6 Enhanced Educational Tactics:
1. Mock Examinations
Target: Students school wide
Motivation level: Gradual (students will want to perform better in order to complete assessment exercise)
Tactic: Students will undergo frequent assessment batteries as part of their daily training regimens. Failure to meet basic patterns of growth and performance will result in additional evaluation protocols after school.
2. Stress Positions
Target: Individuals and Whole Classes
Motivation Level: High (for short term gains); Cumulative (for long term gains)
Tactic: Capitalize on students’ low tolerance for immobility and/or discomfort. Positions to include sitting in the corner with a dunce cap, schlepping fully loaded backpacks, holding books with arms extended, and being confined to a desk for hours at a time.
3. Report Card Boarding
Target: Duel-Front Assault on parents and students
Motivation level: High
Tactic: Mail out mock report cards to create a perception of multi-subject failure. Accompanying the report card will be a list of possible retributions for both parents and students if grades do not improve, including but not limited to pushing family into higher tax bracket, home scrutiny by School-land Security (SS) to determine how parents are contributing to failure-ism, and weekend/summer school ‘enrichment programs’.
4. Dietary Manipulation
Target: All students
Motivation Level: Medium
Tactic: Students are fed low quality foods from the cafeteria on a sporadic basis until they demonstrate basic proficiency. Demonstrating basic growth will allow students to eat said food on a regular basis. Demonstrated proficiency will allow students to upgrade to nourishing food that tastes palatable.
5. PE Humiliation
Target: Students who perform poorly on mock examinations
Motivation Level: High
Tactic: Students whose performance drops in mock examinations will become targets in dodgeball. Students with high proficiency scores will get to throw balls first.
6. Good Teacher/Bad Teacher
Target: All Students
Tactic: Skill Drill Sargents will drive students through rigorous mental exercises designed to break them down. Students will then work with instructors to develop and hone skills in multiple-choice grappling and close quarters testing.
In justifying his extraordinary pedagogical methodologies, Dick is quoted as saying, “We will win this War on Failure-ism by meeting Failure-ists (students) and their allies (teachers and unions) where they reside: on the new battleground for freedom — schools.”