Dick Cheney’s IB Program: Intimidate from the Bottom
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Dick Cheney’s IB Program: Intimidate from the Bottom

Dick Cheney’s IB Program: Intimidate from the Bottom

Cheney as the US Inquisitor General of Education, Part 3 (Part 1, Part 2)

In a rare slip of Cheney’s iron-fisted totalitarianism, a document from the desk of our nation’s Inquisitor General of Education was leaked to the press yesterday. The document outlines what appears to be plans for a supplemental program in support of Duncan’s Race to the Top.

While clearly still in the development stages, the plan, tentatively titled IG’s IB Program (short hand for Intimidate from the Bottom), sketches out the main objectives and initial implementation steps of an operation that will continue along the same lines as Dick’s BRUTE program.

The keystone of the program, The PLUS Factor, serves as a chilling look at the type of tactics that will remain a signature of this IG’s education legacy.

PLUS, shorthand for “Phinishing Last? U Suck!”, sets the tone for this draconian endeavor.

The basic objectives, as outlined in the document:

  • Break ’em down.
  • Get ’em up.
  • Get ’em busy.
  • Keep ’em busy.
  • Keep ’em up.

Initial implementation plan:

  • Infiltrate our nation’s poorest performing schools with special teams of Intimidators from retired Blackwater corps.
  • Isolate classes (both teachers and students) from other classes.
  • Engage combatants (the teachers and students) with Alberto Gonzalez approved Tactics until students admit that they are where the problem with our education system starts.
  • Apply selected pressure in areas they are weak (with repeated high stakes assessments) until they admit they are failures.
  • Begin “Operation Get-off-yer-duffs-you-lazy-bums” by removing all sitting options in said schools.
  • Students will remain standing throughout the school day.
  • Students will repeat fact based content until committed to memory.
  • Adorn school with posters of a scowling Cheney captioned with “We’re watching you!”

Too many questions yet unanswered about this haunting new Race to the Top augmentation program to ask, except this one: With so many to choose from, how will they choose which scowling picture to use?

Stay tuned for more developments.

Image: College Humor

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