Following his speeches (here and here) on the disappointing performance of our nation’s colleges of education, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan announced the appointment of Inquisitor General of Education Dick Cheney as Supreme Master of All Required Teaching, Instruction, and Evaluation (SMARTIE), effective immediately. As the nation’s SMARTIE, Cheney will oversee and direct all programs preparing teachers for the classroom by utilizing some variation of his signature hardball tactics.
Sec. Duncan, overheard speaking to a colleague near a hot mic, is quoted as saying, “We’ve had a lot of political success placing the blame for education’s ills on teachers. A LOT OF SUCCESS. Targeting professors in institutions of higher learning is an obvious extension of this winning strategy.”
In his official remarks, Sec. Duncan took a more even handed approach.
While our schools enjoy the commitment and talents of a strong corps of educators, we believe colleges of education can do an even better job of preparing the next generation of teachers for the classroom.
We need pre-service teachers to graduate better prepared to succeed in a data driven environment. Inquisitor General Cheney has shown an exquisite ability to motivate under such conditions, and I believe this will be another excellent fit for him.
Additionally, as vice president, the IG showed time and again a considerable aptitude for understanding the potential usability of numbers to understand the world. His vision, direction, and insight will ensure that our teachers arrive in classrooms with a discerning eye for exploiting data to help their schools Race to the Top.
The IG, deep within his secret, undisclosed location could not be reached for comment.
However, it is said that Bill Gates has his hackles up over Cheney’s appointment. Sources close to Gates reported that the multi-billionaire was “deeply disturbed” that he was not chosen to head up teacher colleges. “And after all the money I’ve devoted to education reform. . . Plus, if I can run Microsoft, I can easily handle the teaching of teachers. C’mon! I’m beginning to suspect that Arne is suffering from SCD (Strong-armed by Cheney Disorder) himself.”
While this is not the first time someone has proposed the Ed. Sec. may be Leading Under the Influence of Dick (LUID), it is the first time a nationally recognized citizen such as Gates has made the accusation.
When pressed on this, Secretary Duncan brushed the possibility aside, stating simply, “My hands were tied on this one. I couldn’t appoint Gates, because I can’t get Windows 7 to load. Can I really expect him to force reform if I can’t Force/Quit?”